A new leaf from the calendar!

I am thankful to the years that thought me to differentiate between dreams and aspirations, success and achievement, forgiveness and pity, confidence and peace, fear and insecurity, technology and dependence. I have unlearn to have a plan, because if someone asked me 8 years back about my plans for 5 years I thought I had it all sorted only to realize that your plans are never yours, so I have devised a backup plan not to have a plan at all and go with the flow. Instead I have made few goals and trying all the possible things to reach there.

I am thankful to the years that thought me to differentiate between dreams and aspirations, success and achievement, forgiveness and pity, confidence and peace, fear and insecurity, technology and dependence. I have unlearn to have a plan, because if someone asked me 8 years back about my plans for 5 years I thought I had it all sorted only to realize that your plans are never yours, so I have devised a backup plan not to have a plan at all and go with the flow. Instead I have made few goals and trying all the possible things to reach there.

I am thankful that today I can raise voice with an opinion, be happy for the friends who were once very close to me and now they only exist in my social media pages, I no longer feel left out or the urge to be part of the rat race. I do appreciate that its one life and one must experience whatever life throws at you. I am thankful that I have become stronger every time I have a let down. I am thankful to realize there will be many who will swing in and out of your life yet in the end you will only see your family standing there with hopes. Some will keep you as an option and few more closer ones will always judge you but that’s how it is and it only makes clearer about people’s stand in your life.

I am thankful that today I don’t feel the compulsion to have people around me, I still can’t believe I enjoy my company, I go to restaurants and certainly enjoy my meal all alone. I can now travel without feeling the jitters of travelling alone. I am thankful to see the number of people turn up to me for advices or only for chats. I am thankful today I think it’s better to buy gold than cloths. I am thankful that I love to take vacation with my family as much as I would with friends.

I am thankful that few things in me are still intact and I don’t see its going to change ever, my love for food, my love for animals, my love for music, and I still think I will be there with people in their bad times than being part of their happy times.

It has been a long journey, there are lots to learn, lots to achieve, and lots to be grateful for. I am grateful that I have a better life than many may dream of, as I end here, I certainly cannot agree more to the verses from my favorite song…

“tujhse naaraz nahin zindagi hairan hoon main, tere masoom sawaalon se pareshan hoon main, jeene ke liye sochaa hi nahin dard sambhaalne honge, muskuraye to muskurane ke karz utaarne honge, muskuraye jo kabhi to lagta hai jaise hothon pe karz rakha hai aankh agar bhar aai hain boondein baras jayengi, kal kya pata kis ke liye aankhen taras jayengi, jaane kahan gum hua kahan kho gaya, ek aansoo chhupa ke rakha tha, zindagi tere gham ne hume rishte naye samjhaye, dhoop mein mile jo bhi mile pyar ke thande saaye... “

A phase I may come back to find solace in the words.

Does one sided feeling happen at this age, somehow it seems so childish yet it is an integral part of an adult life more than in any phase. I was so sure of my choices, I know things take time, esp human relationship because its two different people coming together and trying to set a common ground. I have met some amazing guys, I mean such amazing souls that I just cant bring myself to terms, they could walk all over you.These men are the ones, if you meet them on a rainy day, they'll be the first people who will offer you an umbrella and safeguard you.

Strangely when it comes to emotional (romantic) bonding they can be as cold as a ice.I wonder do they realize? Or their fantasy overpowers their practical side. Or is it me that I establish  myself as someone too self-content or gullible. Well, I am self- content yes, because I don't want to be in anyone's life as a liability. I want to love someone, dedicate my time because they mean so much. Is it so wrong to not portray yourself as vulnerable, I am genuinely confused.

Why do we have to compromise love, why unwarranted factors are so important, why cant feeling be about feelings, why it has become business like  transaction. And it is even more strange that people justify it, people justify all the manipulations over unconditional love. All great stories and life experiences teach us to love unconditionally, respect even if you are not receiving it, yet when it comes to realization we tend to adapt to rules which has nothing to do with true feelings but rules framed to fit. A baby is not thought to love its birth giver, it is the most unrefined and form, no one is thought to love or being kind. It is the most innate human characteristics. But we are all busy proving a point which is otherwise.

I am a child trapped in a grown-up body, which is why I can immediately recognize whom I want in my life and am the most comfortable with. Well when we talk about relationships, love, feelings, how can we ignore responsibility, the most important to bind everything together. Responsibility again has some grotesque definitions, more often or so people envelop command and order in the form of responsibility. So if you oblige with what people say and follow the order you are the most responsible. However, there's hardly any person who will notice  your involuntary contribution. How elusive! We have such strong definition affiliated with responsibility, if at home your idea of unwinding is just being in your space not talking, you are termed as irresponsible or detached, cant someone rather notice this as an aspects of ones characteristics, as they are so relaxed in the comfort and warmth of their home, the only place in the world where they want to feel freedom even in the four walls of the house.

I mostly follow my heart and yes I have faced pitfalls but at the end of all the heartaches and troubles, I pat myself that I tried sincerely and survived all. I have hurt people in the past and I really am sorry of being such a ludicrous of a person. Despite, I don't want to turn back time. I don't want to be here either, I do want to see the next phase of my life. The feeling of nurturing a family, loving someone is not an age old adage, its is as prudent as breathing. I think the kitty-party is over. 

Then, let me tell you didnt love at all.

Love was when we held a streched hands to each other, in the darkest of nights, caressing warmth into each others' souls.
Love was in those cackles and laughter after we'd cried tears and questions and blood. 
Love was not just scratching nails on backs, shouting lust. Love was the beautiful world we made under the blanket we made love in.
Love wasn't stepping out and leaving me ripped apart, love was staying beside me in the empty space with mundanity and blues, when leaving me promised you a better future.

Sadly, you left.
I didn't.

Read https://www.facebook.com/vinit.singh.3766?fref=ufi&rc=p 

This question has been dwelling inside me for quite sometime - Do we need to be just happy or pretend that everything is a place where every day rainbow appears. I am sorry but I strongly resent the idea, why featuring happy posts, happy memories on the social media or in life is the most sagacious of things. Life is rather raw it comes with its own packages so why such enforcement on being happy, only doing things that is acceptable to the society, why? Pretentious, isn't it?

For me it takes away my peace of mind, even nature has bad days and good days. why being sad is just like being on periods, you are suffering but you cant talk about it, why such a taboo? Be vulnerable, for someone it is attention seeking but there are people who will attend to you, or maybe once you are back to a better position you will fend for yourself. Why being weak such a stigma and being strong makes you the ultimate. Let people live, don't portray that life is full of sunshine, don't make yourself crippled, a robot to the trend. Expression requires an outlet, lets not define the channel.